What do liberal artists do, anyway?

As I sit out on the porch on the first truly warm day Chicago has had so far in 2009, I can't help but wonder why I'm sitting here instead of at a desk downtown. 

As the president and everyone else has been telling us, 2009 is going to get worse before it gets better. I know there are worse things right now than waiting to see if your boss calls to tell you you should come in today -- after all, you could have no job at all -- but either way, sitting out on the porch, even on a nice day, means not getting paid. 

There are a lot of people to blame for my predicament. All the geniuses on Wall Street who sliced and diced bad deals into ever-more-complicated and dangerous securities, all the people who bought bigger houses than they needed with mortgages they couldn't afford to pay, all the government watchdogs who were asleep on the watch while all of that was going on -- but also, let's face it. Me. 

Me, the bright kid who thought an English degree would somehow open doors. "Oh, just get any degree," they said at the university. "All employers want to know is that you can be responsible and finish the work."

Turns out, they want more than that. In the end, a degree in English, history, philosophy, womens' studies, etc. is barely worth the paper it's printed on. And the worst of it is, they tell us that we're better than the people who went to trade school and community college, but it's the mechanics, plumbers and nurses who are making the money and contributing to society while the liberal artists are serving up coffee at Starbucks or secretly judging customers' book choices at Barnes and Noble.  

Of course, now, everyone's out of a job, degree or not. So I can just get in the breadline with everyone else and blend in. But even when the economy eventually rebounds, there just won't be that much demand for English majors, and the nation's universities are churning out thousands more each semester. 

Why they let 18-year-olds make these kinds of life-changing decisions is beyond me. Of course I made a bad choice with English. I was a moron, like any other teenager. I shouldn't have been allowed to make that choice, or at least I should have been given all the facts. 

It isn't as if we don't need liberal arts majors, per se. We need to advance the culture, expand our understanding of the world, and add to the world of ideas -- but we don't need the tens of thousands of liberal arts majors who graduate each year. A few hundred, maybe a few thousand a year -- tops. There just isn't that much demand for essays about the psychosexual trauma inherent in Pat the Bunny, or how Battlestar Galactica is a metaphor for modern life. 

Nobody needs your intricate knowledge of late twelfth century Romanian culture. There is nothing useful about your interpretations of Southern literature -- yes, even at parties. And no, you're not going to write the Great American Novel. 

You'd might as well go get in line for a job building Joe Biden's High-Speed Rail Network. But don't be surpised if all the blue-collar workers you claim to love, yet secretly despise, don't get hired first. 

Tecki to US Auto Industry: Drop Dead!

Whoa, whoa whoa. Don't get the wrong idea. I want to help out the autoworkers. Notice, I did not say "Detroit," just the auto industry.

I'm all for the federal government spending billions of dollars on stuff. After all, I'm a democrat. But throwing good money at three companies that have spent the last decade building cars and trucks no one wants? Eh.

Only the executives at GM, Ford and Chrysler couldn't see this coming. (Gas prices are low again! It's a golden age for SUVs!)

No. I have a better idea. Let the automakers go bankrupt. If they can get out of it on their own, great. They'll be all the stronger for it. That's how capitalism works. Otherwise, we have Toyota, Honda and BMW already building cars right here in the USA.

Use that $25 billion to put the laid off autoworkers back to work rebuilding Detroit. God knows that city needs it. Put them to work digging tunnels for a high-speed subway system, rebuilding city schools, repaving the streets and highways, creating new parks, building wind farms and solar power plants. Spend that money to tear down, renovate or replace all the rundown, abandoned buildings that scar much of Detroit. Hire thousands of the unemployed autoworkers to be new police officers, firefighters, teachers, nurses and EMTs.

As for all those soon-to-be empty factories: Have a firesale and let the foreign automakers -- you know, the ones who are actually making money -- buy them up dirt cheap on the condition that they reopen and put some American autoworkers back on the line. They won't need as many workers as before, of course, but those folks will already be taken care of.

That's how you spread the wealth.

Thanks for ruining autumn, Sarah Palin

So, am I really the only one who wasn't impressed by Sarah Palin last night? I know the VP candidate's traditional role is to attack the opposition, but she -- and the other speakers -- stirred up a fine steaming bowl of anger and hate.

I know I'm biased, but the message from the democratic convention was that we can work together to make this a better country, that all of us matter, that party isn't as important as country.

The message from the republicans was: RAAAAARRRHHHH!!!!!

And what was all that shit about how community organizers don't do anything? That's the problem with Republicans. They tell you government can't do anything, but when you try to help yourself, they call you a loser.

If being the governor of a state with 670,000 people for almost two years makes her qualified to be president (because, seriously, John McCain is not long for this world), then might I suggest a better running mate for McCain?

Pat McCrory has been mayor of Charlotte for the past 13 years. Charlotte has about as many people as the entire state of Alaska, so if Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, Pat McCrory could be emperor. He's a Republican with quite a bit of support from Democrats, and North Carolina is going to be close this year ...think about it, John. Please, for the love of god. There's still time.

But seriously, I'm signing up to get out the vote in a nearby swing state. According to the Obama Web site, I need to go to Michigan. Gee, I can cross another state off my list of places to visit, and save the world at the same time!

It won't be long before it starts snowing and we're stuck inside until May. All I wanted to do this fall is walk my dog, play bean bag toss, watch the Red Sox barely scrape into the Playoffs and drink some dark, dark beer.

I hate living in interesting times.

More bike-riding assholes in Chicago

I was crossing Lincoln at Paulina and Roscoe this afternoon when the woman walking in front of me was almost run over by a bike rider who decided to run the red light. If she had started walking one second sooner, he would have hit her.

I guess that whole sting operation when the cops were "clamping down" on bikers who don't follw the rules didn't pan out.

What the hell is a bank for, then?

Remember when you were a kid and you'd count up all those coins and place them carefully into those little paper rolls? Then you'd take them to the bank, and the smiling teller would take them and hand you real dollar bills?

Remember that?

I do, which is why I cleaned out our two coin mugs, the bowl by the front door and the car, counted out all those stinky coins, rolled them up and lugged the heavy sticks of money in my already heavy bag down to the Loop this morning. I figured it would be easier to just go during lunch than try to run down to the one in our neighborhood after work. Sure the line would be long at lunchtime, but it would be a piece of cake.

But it turns out that Bank of America, or at least the branches in the Loop, don't take coin rolls anymore. The teller looked at the rolls as if I had handed her an astrolabe or a scroll of parchment. After consulting with a guy who looked only slightly older than her, she explained, "We don't have the machine."

What machine? There wasn't a machine when I was 10 years old! This used to be a LaSalle branch, and apparently, Bank of America "took" their machine away. Will there be another machine? Who knows. But there isn't a branch in the entire Loop that can take a roll of coins and turn it into cash. Her solution: "You could take them to a TCF bank."

Yeah, but, uh ... I don't have an account with TCF! I have an account with BofA, the biggest bank in the world, as far as the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce is concerned, and you're telling me I can't get money in exchange for ... money!?

Honestly, most of our money is with a certain Internet bank. the only reason we even have this piddling account with a bricks-and-mortar bank is for exactly this kind of service. I can't just hand my laptop a handfull of coins and expect a 20 dollar bill in return. Apparently, I can't get that from a Bank of America teller either.

Happy Labor Day

In the South, Labor Day, like most holidays, is a day for professionals, bankers and government workers to cook out and go to the beach. Other people have to work, as is their lot in life.

But apparently not here in the unionized North. All the dry cleaners are closed (Ok, so we should have taken that stuff in last week, but K has places to be!), and most of the restaurants -- at least in our neighborhood.

I tried to take Kayla to the beach to revel in the sand and sunshine, but the traffic was so terrible that we had to turn back. I caught a glimpse of the lake off in the distance, just over the snaking lines of cars stuck in the road looking for a parking space.

People who drive Jeep Wranglers tend to be assholes, or so I've noticed. Maybe you too? Chicago's Finest had blocked off the main entrance to Montrose Beach and we're directing traffic onto Lakeshore toward another entrance. The Wrangler driver in front of me tried to argue with the cops, wasting a lot of time for the rest of us to get stuck in another line. The thing is, this the the Chicago PD. Wearing full uniforms and, for some reason, bulletproof vests (is the beach that dangerous?) in 90 degree weather. If they tell you to turn left, you turn left.

Kayla and I got stuck trying to find a space. Cars crawled along in all directions except out. People and bikers weaved their way between the cars. And there was no parking in sight. A few hearty folks apparently had parked somewhere far outside the park, becuase plenty of people walked in with all of their beach stuff from the other side of Lakeshore. It was kind of like going to Myrtle Beach on Memorial Day weekend, except not as well organized.

We turned around.

Where did all these people come from? Apparently, all the restaurants we tried to eat at this evening. I guess everyone takes the day off and goes straight to the beaches. We ended up eating what were supposed to veggie burgers, but what were really veggie sloppy joes at Orange. I think their brunch is ok, but there's a reason why they're never busy for dinner. If only they had called it a day too. Next year, pizza on the porch.

Ups and downs on the CTA, and the broader implications

Well, technically I left work 30 minutes early on Monday, but the commuting time was still almost exactly like on Friday, so there's at least a possibility that things have actually improved.

But then I got on the platform at Quincy today and saw a huge crowd on my side of the tracks. Never a good sign. A purple line train crawled in as I was making my way through the crowd to the end of the platform, and a lot of anxious brown line riders kept standing on their toes to see what was coming next.

Oddly enough, the brown line train arrived at more or less the same time it usually does, so I wasn't sure if the crowd was due to a delay or if there was a ballgame. Turns out, it was the delay.

We barely made it away from Quincy before we stopped again, watching the train in front of us stuck in the station ahead. Then again. And again. And again, until we finally made our way, slowly, haltingly around the Loop. Every few minutes our driver would announce his apologies, saying there was a problem at Tower 18 -- there is always a problem at Tower 18, the infamous junction at Lake and Wells that caused this commuter to be late for work more than a few time during the winter.

When we got to Clark & Lake, I could see the dozens of CTA workers directing traffic at the intersection and, for all I know, physically moving the switches themselves. As we grinded around the corner toward Merchandise Mart, I couldn't help but wonder if the transit workers in Beijing or Madrid have to get out and move switches by hand and direct train traffic themselves.

I felt the same way I do when I see crumbling concrete on the freeway, or a burst pipe flooding a major street. Not just here in Chicago, but in a lot of cities lately. As everything we built in the last 100 years or so falls quietly apart, is anyone else asking when we're going to start fixing it?

Bizarro CTA world where the trains run on time?

Consider this. A man leaves his job on a Friday afternoon at the same time he usually does, right down to the minute. He doesn't run to the train or walk any faster than he normally would. The train arrives at the station at its usual time, and he gets on.

By the time he gets home, he has a sudden realization. His trip, somehow, some way, took 10 minutes less than usual.

Not five or six. 10.

Could it be a mysterious reverse bermuda triangle has developed in the Loop, in which trains are not lost, but somehow sped through the bottlenecks? Was it just dumb luck? Or could it be, that after nearly a year of track work, construction and delays, the CTA has finally, bit by bit, begun to actually show some results?

We'll see Monday whether this is a permanent change or just a one-time mystery.