Better Dead than Red

Will I get a chance to see Butterstick before the communist masters ship him to China Elian-style two years from now?

Outlook hazy.

But, what's up with them wanting to take him anyway? They're up to their ankles in baby pandas! And we all know that it's all bamboo and playtime while the cameras are out, but once the press leaves, it's back to the sweatshop for those little cuties, sewing tiny stuffed versions of themselves for mass consumption here in the West. Is that the kind of life we want for our little Stick?

I think not.

Besides, the Chinese government's claim is bogus: How can they own Butterstick, when he was born right here in the US of A? Let me guide your attention to this little thing we like to call the Constitution, Mr. Chairman: If you're born here, you get automatic citizenship. No exceptions.

Let's make a deal: The Chinese can have Butterstick's parents back, especially that deadbeat dad of his who probably hasn't so much as looked at his son since he was born. It will be a tough separation for the Stick when his mom gets stuffed back in that crate, but she'll know it's best for her little boy.

Sniff.